Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Things He Uses

About two years ago, my family started the process of adoption through the foster care system here in Kansas.  The process started with classes, interviews and a ton of paperwork.  When we finished all the fore-mentioned items we were told that we would adopt quickly because of the age we were desiring, well that is not the way it went.
One of the things asked in interviews and paperwork was whether or not we would adopt a child with special needs, we said we didn't think we could handle that but were willing to adopt possible ADHD or ADD children.  Two months later we find out our son is on the Autism Spectrum and "special needs".  God has a funny way of changing your mind.  We now were thankful for the delay in our adoption so we could focus on our son. During this time my father-in-law was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and not long to live, also my father was diagnosed with Picks disease, its basically like Alzheimer's but more aggressive. Needless to say I was a little overwhelmed.  During the next few months I quit working all my part-time jobs, three of them to be exact while staying home with Gage, to focus on Gage and myself.  Over the next six months or so this is exactly what I did.
In February of 2010 we got a call to take a little boy that was in an adoptive home in which the adoptive parents had decided they did not want him anymore.  We said yes!! We had 6 weeks to get ready. The next week we got a call and now the other family had decided they wanted the boy out of their home in less than two weeks, we were so excited but all I can say is "wow". Less than 24 hours before "brother"  was to be in our home the adoptive family changed their mind and wanted to keep him, because he had a relationship with them the state decided it was best to keep him there. To say our hearts were broken would be an understatement. If you have ever had a miscarriage, which we have, that is the same type of feeling, but with a little less closure. With this circumstance heavy on my heart I started to question God's purpose and my marriage was stressed as my husband and I dealt with the loss separately.
The choices we both made continued to have a negative effect on us as a team, don't get me wrong we still loved each other and were committed to the marriage, but we were not trying to resolve our feelings/issues together. In the summer of 2010 we each took our own vacation, not necessarily because we wanted to, but because we each had an "once in a life time" opportunity that we didn't say no to.  It really was good for us, it made us realize what we missed about the other, where we both really were on our commitment level, and what each of us needed to change in order to keep our marriage strong.  After our trips we were both willing to do whatever it took to accomplish what God wanted for us as individuals, our marriage, and our family.
In the fall we were asked to go to an event where there would be children up for adoption and we could interact with them to see if we connected with any of them.  At this event where two children, a brother and sister whom we had met previously at a camp where we volunteer, and a friend whom didn't know we knew them sent us a link to their adoption page, we knew this was of God.  We connected with these two, our children connected with them, the whole time these two did not know we were planning on adopting them.  We had the plan, everyone on our adoption team was so excited for the kids and for us. We were told they had never had an adoption they were more excited about. Then we started going through their files, I couldn't handle it, the things you read in those files shouldn't be done to anyone let alone children. You see God decided to use this process to bring healing in my life from events that had happened in my childhood. We ended the process before the children were told. We had to, it was what was best for my family and ultimately for them as well.  Does that mean that there wasn't hurt and disappointment? Absolutely not! It just means I am trusting God with what HE decides to use to bring me closer to him.  I still struggle at times but continue to do the necessary things to live the life he has called me to.

Romans 5:1-6 (NIV)

 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

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